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WHAT IS YOUR STORY?

Talking with your relations to get you started with your family history

How much of our family history, the real stories, get taken to the grave? It is a sad fact that many of us begin to research our ancestry when it is almost too late. We think about it when a favourite ancestor has died and then wonder what information we might have missed by not talking to them? When people begin to research their ancestry it is important to find out as much as we can from “the family”. Even if our parents or grandparents are long dead, other relations still alive may well have valuable information.

Preserving family stories is the best way to initially connect with our roots, understand how our lives have been influenced by earlier generations so that we can able pass on that information to future generations. The best and most effective ways to discover these stories is by talking to our family members, be it parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings etc because they will all have some memories of those who have gone before. They will have a wealth of knowledge that we can use to begin the quest for our family history So, conducting engaging interviews will help open the door to your past and preserve valuable family stories.

It’s amazing how an old photograph can elicit memories and stories. So just think what a full album of photographs could unravel! Photographs seem to jog people's memory of places, events and people. If you don’t have any photographs, ask your relative if they have any family photos or heirlooms they can to show you. When discussing photographs or heirlooms, you should try to ask open-ended questions including if any stories or special memories are associated with the object or photo.

How do we start?

The overriding aspect is to ensure that all our conversations are fruitful. I tend to think that the best way to find out information is in a conversation rather than a formal interview. It is important to use techniques to engage your relatives and encourage them to feel comfortable. The best way is to use prompts to trigger specific memories or emotions.

Create a comfortable and non-judgmental environment where your relations feel they are involved; the last thing you want to do is put them in a confrontational situation! Assurance is vital so make them feel that their stories are valuable and that you are genuinely interested in hearing them. Building trust will encourage your relations to be open in sharing their stories. By capturing family information, we help create a lasting legacy.

In today’s technological world there are many ways to preserve your family stories - perhaps using digital preservation where you can store transcripts or even record your conversations. You can also add photographs and other related documentation or artefacts which ensure they are protected from physical deterioration and can be easily accessed and shared with other interested family members.

Conducting effective conversations

If we are lucky enough to have conversations with older relatives then we need to ensure they have a comfortable and productive experience. By being aware of any physical limitations they may have including such things as hearing or sight impairments as well as any mobility issues. Speak clearly and allow them enough time to process and respond to your questions.

Holding conversations with relations is the best way to gather first-hand accounts of their experiences, memories, and perspectives of life. Conversations offer a personal and intimate connection to the past and do so in their own voice rather than relying solely on documentary evidence. We will easily understand their emotions, and gain insights into the events and circumstances that shaped their lives and bridge the gap between generations.

Getting a group of relatives together is sometimes the best way to obtain the best memories. Likewise a group of old friends or military comrades will give similar results. As these groups begin reminiscing, use this to your advantage.

Family history conversations should not be a “one-off” but should be ongoing conversations. Try to use every opportunity to converse and gather new stories. You will generally learn something new each time you hold a conversation.

In order to get the best from our conversations, irrespective of the age of our relation we need to be prepared.

Before you even meet to talk

It is vital that you do some research and gather any information about your family history before you talk with relatives. It is a good idea to look through old photographs and documents to help you become familiar with your family’s background and provide valuable context for your conversation.

Once you have a better understanding of your family history, create a list of questions that you would like to ask beginning with general questions about childhood, upbringing, and early memories. Then, gradually move on to topics such as family traditions, significant life events and their thoughts on the world they experienced during their lifetime. Try and keep the questions open-ended to encourage your relations to share their unique perspectives.

Make it a conversation rather than a question and answer interview.

A meaningful collection of memories

The whole idea of the conversations we have is to you can create a meaningful collection of memories, insights, and experiences. All our family stories are unique and give us the opportunity to build our family’s legacy. Here are some simple ways to make it happen. Remember this is a conversation, NOT an interview.

Relatives will be much more comfortable sharing their memories when they feel that you are genuinely interested in what they say. You should maintain eye contact and listen as they talk. Leaning toward the relative, nodding and using appropriate facial expressions indicate that you are enthusiastically listening. It is a more congenial atmosphere in which to ask follow-up questions rather than giving the appearance of interrogation.

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Silence is golden – so don’t let periods of silence affect you.. The whole point of your conversation is to allow your family member to tell their story. Pauses are important as this is the time that they may be thinking or remembering details of the event they are talking about. Silence is important to recall memories of events they haven’t thought of for some time. Don’t jump in with a new question or theme.
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Ask the Right Questions - The best family history conversations rely upon the use of open-ended questions, when, why, how, where, and what. You must try to avoid closed questions where the response is just yes or no. Open-ended questions open the door to finding out how the event affected your relative because emotions are part of your family’s memories; and these will never be discovered in documents and records. Keep your questions brief and only ask one at a time.
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Expand on memories - Ask additional questions to discover more about what the person did and how they thought and felt about their actions. Try to establish if their memory is first-hand knowledge or if they are relaying stories heard from others.
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A listening ear is best - If you are relaxed then your relative will also be relaxed. Be yourself. Don’t interrupt a memory because you have thought of a new question or want to clarify a point. Listen intently but make a note of your questions and ask it later. Even if your relative goes off track, let them finish before steering them back on topic.
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Get Personal- Some of the best memories originate with personal questions which might be slightly embarrassing or sensitive or result in either laughter or tears. However, be aware of how your relative might react. Build a good rapport before considering this approach. Such questions might be hard to ask, but if dealt with sensitively, they will produce personal details you’ve probably never heard before.
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Don’t Challenge - Don’t challenge memories that you think might be inaccurate. Your relative may have a different perspective of the event or character they are talking about. Everyone wants to be heard and believed, so if you know contrary information, you may try a tactful mention and allow your relative to respond, but don’t shut down the conversation..

Ask the right questions!

The most difficult part of holding a family history conversation with any relative will be asking the right questions! Always try to build flexibility into a conversation..

You will have some ideas about your relative’s life, but not all will be relevant, and there will inevitably be others which come to light as your conversation develops. Your questions for consideration will also vary according to what you already know and what your intended outcomes are. This is not an exhaustive list but some ideas for you to consider.

People love to talk about themselves, especially the things they enjoy. Asking about hobbies, personality traits and how they view themselves as a person is a good conversation opener.

How was your name chosen?
What do you look forward to?
What do you hope to accomplish in the next five years?
Where and when were you born?
Describe your mother and father., siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc.
Describe your childhood home.
What did you like about school?
What was a typical school day?
What pets did you have?
What did you want to be when you grew up?
Describe your town.
Who were your best friends.?
What was it like to learn to drive?
What was your favourite car?
Describe your first job.
What historical events do you remember?
Where did you live?
What was your favourite saying?
What technology did you use?
Describe your favourite trip.
How has your life changed?
Describe the most interesting place you visited.
Who did you admire?
What did you do for fun?
What are your happiest moments?
What guided your decisions?
Have your religious beliefs changed over time?
How were you brought up?
What did people call you as a child or did you have any nicknames?
Were you born in a hospital or at home?
Do you know your maternal grandparents’ names and dates of birth?
Do you know your paternal grandparents’ names and dates of birth?
What was your father’s occupation?
What kind of work did your mother do?
What kind of work did your grandparents do?
Where did your grandparents live?
Do you have any special memories of your grandparents?
What important life lessons did you learn from your parents?
What family stories or memories were passed down to you from your parents or grandparents?
Were any special holiday traditions or recipes passed on to you?
Are there any special family heirlooms that were handed down to you?
Were you close to your siblings?
Who was your favourite playmate?
Did you care for your younger siblings?
Where did you live as a child?
Did your family move often?
How was your home heated?
Did you share a bedroom with a sibling?
Did you have running water? If not, how did you get water?
What kinds of foods did you eat?
Where did your food come from - a grocery shop, a nearby farm or your family’s garden or allotment?
What was the weather like where you lived as a child?
Can you describe what your daily life was like as a child?
What were the most important skills that you learned at home?
What kind of clothes did you wear?
How were birthdays celebrated in your family?
What place of worship did you attend?
Did you go to a college or university?
What was your wedding like - what did you wear, what food was served, where was it held?
Where did you go on honeymoon?
What is your spouse’s full name?
What kind of music did you like to listen to?
What kind of books/magazines did you like to read?
Were you a part of any clubs or organizations?

This article was contributed by Ian Waller from Family History Federation.

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