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MARRIAGE IN THE VICTORIAN ERA

Deep-rooted traditions - myth or reality

When you ancestors married during the nineteenth century, the marriage followed deep-rooted traditions. There were strict gender roles and for most marriage was a lifetime commitment, crucial for upholding social order and maintaining family and social structures. Sometimes marriages were short-lived and ended in tragedy, sometimes they did not “work out” and sometimes they were endured because of class expectations.

Marriage myths and customs

Amongst the upper classes particularly, marriages were often arranged reinforcing the importance of family connections and class. Parental or guardian consent was important in the selection of potential spouses. Marriage was often based on improving wealth, securing inheritances and creating advantageous alliances.

Irrespective of social class, the roles of husband and wife were clearly defined each with distinct expectations. Husbands were expected to be the breadwinners and heads of the household, responsible for providing financial stability and making important decisions. Wives were primarily expected to be dutiful wives and devoted mothers with their responsibility focusing on domestic duties and child-rearing; but many lower-class wives also had to work and contribute to the family finances.

Both fidelity and morality were highly valued in marriages and was expected of both spouses. The consequences of infidelity were often more severe for women. Adultery was seen as a betrayal of trust which usually resulted in social ostracization or legal repercussions. For many it just resulted in desertion.

Irrespective of class, the institution of marriage was also vital to having children. For the upper classes it was essential to produce male heirs in order to secure inheritance. For the working classes having children was a means to an end because, even at a young age, children would be contributing to family finances helping to keep the family above subsistence levels.

Perceived types of marriage

Arranged marriages, although mainly associated with earlier periods of history, still existed in the nineteenth century particularly among the upper classes.

Couples marrying because of romantic chemistry gained momentum during the nineteenth century. Individuals sought partners based on compatibility and emotional connection rather than just practical and social considerations. However, such marriages challenged set traditions so were more common among the middle and lower classes, simply because there was greater freedom to choose a spouse. Throughout the nineteenth century a patriarchal society predominated placing women in subordinate positions which, in practical terms, limited their access to education, employment opportunities and financial independence.

Economic factors were significant in marriage too. In rural areas families often built alliances with others to share resources. In the expanding urban areas, industrialization influenced partner selection.

The Victorians believed that marriage was a sacred union between two people, meant to be a lifetime commitment. They viewed it as a moral expectation with both partners being faithful and devoted to one another.

Marriage was highly valued in Victorian society, with many believing it to be the only acceptable form of any sexual relationship. Divorce laws introduced in 1857 were initially very strict making it difficult for couples to legally end their marriages. Most early divorces were granted on grounds of adultery or desertion.

Courting

The way in which couples met and courted differed between classes of society.

For the upper classes, it usually began with a formal introduction and the exchange of cards for a first date, often as a result of a dinner party between families, a society dance or similar function. The degree of allowable courting was often under scrutiny and courting normally took place in the girl's home chaperoned by parents, guardian or an older brother. The actual marriage proposal was usually written and a ring was given. Permission from the girl's father or guardian was paramount.

Within the lower classes, introductions were much less formal and it was often the case that a potential spouse would be “chatted up” in the local pub, at a church social gathering, a village/town social event or the local hiring fair. Many liaisons occurred because the man and woman had known each other for a long time and came from the same locality. They would often sneak away to be alone and often petted. It was a tradition, and a matter of respect, for the father of girl to be asked verbally for her hand in marriage. Mothers looked forward to the day of their daughter's marriage almost from the day of their birth.

The middle to late Victorian era saw the rise of the romantic ideal and the concept of such a marriage gained popularity in all social classes with much less emphasis on formality - and certainly resulted in the demise of the arranged marriage.

Marriage during the Victorian era

Irrespective of social class, marriage was characterized by social expectations. The roles of a man and a woman were clearly defined. Wives faced significant challenges if they wanted to separate from their husbands, because the law was biased towards men - even before the formal divorce laws.

The age at which individuals married also played an important part in the longevity of the marriage. In general upper-class women tended to marry at a younger age while working-class women often postponed marriage until their late twenties or early thirties due mainly to financial constraints. Men generally married in their late twenties or early thirties. However, until 1929 the ages at which people could legally marry were surprisingly low, twelve years of age for a female and fourteen years of age for a male (with parental consent). In 1929 the legal age was increased.

From the start of civil registration in 1837 and under the terms of the Marriage Acts, a woman marries a man. A man does not marry a woman, so the marriage certificates issued at the time of marriage belong to the woman. Although there was no legal requirement to do so, most women changed their surname to that of their husband and also took their husband's place of settlement.

Traditional gender roles were not always applicable to every couple because factors including social class, region and above all individual circumstances influenced the extent to which the roles were adhered to. There was a growth in the movement that challenged these traditions by wanting greater equality in marriages. However, gender roles within marriages remained conservative and for most part the accepted expectations for both husband and wife were upheld.

The social impact of marriage

Within the upper classes, marriage was seen as a means of strengthening social and economic ties between families. Marriages between families of similar social class often resulted in advantageous alliances and increased wealth and power within the community. The lower classes had far fewer restrictions because individuals did not marry for financial or social gain, although financial considerations still played a role, especially for the really poor. Economic stability was still an important consideration as individuals sought partners who could contribute to the household income. Both the husband and the wife often worked outside the home; as such the marriage was more of partnership that relied upon mutual support for economic survival.

The institution of marriage reflected the changing social and cultural values of the time. By exploring the complexities of Victorian marriages, valuable insights into the social and economic dynamics become clear. At the time of the Protestant Reformation, attempts were made to take away the church's grip on marriage and place it under government control. Protestants also changed consanguinity. The Church claimed that true marriages had to be solemnised in front of the clergy with two witnesses.

Victorian marriage laws and beliefs

When Queen Victoria ascended to the throne, marriage was largely regulated by Canon Law under the auspices of the Church of England. In 1836, Parliament passed the Marriage Act, permitting couples to marry anywhere outside the parish churches subject to certain requirements. This meant that marriages could be solemnised in nonconformist chapels with a registrar attending or at the local registry office. By 1853 further amendments had been made making it illegal for any person under twenty-one years of age to wed without parental consent.

Marriage beliefs of the Victorian period remained affected by religion. Religion provided couples with counsel on how to live their lives together in accordance with God’s wishes. Couples were expected to abide by Christian moral codes and divorce was unacceptable. Traditional beliefs maintained that there was male dominance in a relationship and this shaped several facets of Victorian marriage beliefs, including inheritance laws.

Premarital sex was supposedly prohibited by religious teachings although, as we have all experienced during our research, illegitimacy was rife and it is known that engaged couples often had premarital sexual relationships, evidenced often by a child being baptised on the same day, or within a few days, of a marriage. Women were expected to remain virgins until they married and any breach may have led to them being socially outcast.

All three branches of the law – ecclesiastical, common and equity – had control over some aspect of marriage. Canon law determined the moral rules of marriage. The criminal courts could become involved if either party chose to sue the other for a statutory offence such as bigamy. Equity law had jurisdiction over trust deeds and became involved in marriages where there was litigation concerning marriage settlements and the enforcement of trust deeds.

Why did women marry?

The general consensus at the time was that women of the lower classes married due to lack of their education as most women were taught only basic responsibilities. Victorians fancifully thought that if a woman was well-educated it would weaken their womb and deform their bodies! Marriage also gave them financial support as ladies were not expected to work unless of the lower classes where it was usually a necessity. In the mid-nineteenth century, women outnumbered men; there were 9.14 million women and 8.58 million men and around thirty per cent of women over the age of twenty were unmarried.

Under the terms of the Married Woman’s Property Acts of 1870 and 1881, married women gained the same rights over their property as unmarried women. The laws allowed a married woman to retain ownership of property which she might have received as a gift from her parents. Before the 1882 Married Women's Property Act, any property would automatically have become the property of the husband

Why did men marry?

Marriage was not thought to be as crucial for a man as it was for a woman. Men tended to marry later in life between twenty and thirty-five years.

For a man, a wife should hold three attributes: girls with religious beliefs were considered more credible, women were required to work hard around the home and not shirk their responsibility, and amongst most classes, it was important to be chaste.

Steeped in traditions

Marriages have always centred around traditions many of which originated during the Victorian period. Even the day and the month and the weather had their traditions. If it rained or was cloudy, the marriage would be stormy. If it was sunny the couple would have a bright future. If it rained in the morning but was sunny in the afternoon the couple would have good luck

It was considered good luck to drop the wedding ring as evil spirits were then shaken loose. The bride’s parents always left the church before the bride and groom as a further token of them relinquishing responsibility for their daughter i.e. walking away. If rice or confetti was not thrown, there would be no children. In wealthier circles a white horse drawing the wedding carriage was considered good luck. The ringing of church bells was said to ward off evil spirits.

As we research marriages we notice that many marriages took place mid-week. Marrying on a Saturday is very much a twentieth-century tradition. Ironically, to marry on Saturday brought no luck at all. Marrying on the Sabbath (Sunday) was out of the question except for Christmas Day or Easter Sunday. So each day of the week had its own tradition:

Marry on Monday for health
Tuesday for wealth
Wednesday the best day of all
Thursday for crosses
Friday for losses
Saturday for no luck at all.

Choosing the month was also considered important particularly for the bride. The following is not of Victorian origin but was still relevant.

Married when the year is new, he'll be loving, kind and true.
When February birds do mate, You wed nor dread your fate.
If you wed when March winds blow, joy and sorrow both you'll know.
Marry in April when you can, Joy for Maiden and for Man.
Marry in the month of May, and you'll surely rue the day.
Marry when June roses grow, over land and sea you'll go.
Those who in July do wed, must labour for their daily bred.
Whoever wed in August be, many a change is sure to see
Marry in September's shrine, your living will be rich and fine.
If in October you do marry, love will come but riches tarry.
If you wed in bleak November, only joys will come, remember.
When December snows fall fast, marry and true love will last

Even the colour of a bride's wedding dress had different connotations. Not all weddings had the bride traditionally wearing white:

Married in White, you have chosen right,
Married in Blue, your love will always be true,
Married in Pearl, you will live in a whirl,
Married in Brown, you will live in town,
Married in Red, you will wish yourself dead,
Married in Yellow, ashamed of your fellow,
Married in Green, ashamed to be seen,
Married in Pink, your spirit will sink,
Married in Grey, you will go far away,
Married in Black, you will wish yourself back

To assure that the marriage continued to have strength and good luck, we have the “Something….” tradition:

something old - continuity with her family
something new - optimism for new life
something borrowed - good fortune carrying over.
something blue - relates to the way Christianity dressed the Virgin Mary in blue
the tradition of a silver sixpence in your shoe for financial security.

The village bride and her wedding party would have walked to church led by a girl spreading blossom in their path in the hope that the bride would have a happy life.

The association of the horseshoe with the wedding ceremony is not too clear. There are ancient pre-Christian supernatural powers attributed to the horseshoe. Because the horseshoe is " U " shaped, to retain the good luck forever, it is essential that the horseshoe is hung by the ribbons which are attached to the shoulders. The horseshoe should not be turned upside down or else all the good luck of the marriage may fall out.

There are many myths and traditions associated with chimney sweeps - many lost in the mists of time. One reason from folklore is that when on one occasion King George II's carriage horses bolted, the only person to attempt to stop them was a small sooty figure of a man, a chimney sweep. It is considered good luck, if on the journey, to the Church you saw a chimney sweep and even greater good luck if you saw the sweeps brush emerging out of the top of the chimney.

The custom of throwing rice at weddings was very much a Victorian tradition started in 1872 at the parish church of St Mary's in Swillington, near Leeds. The couple getting married were Job Lilley and Matilda Mason. The Rev Dealtry, vicar of the parish, had recently returned from India and he suggested that people who wanted to perform the traditional 'crowning of the bride' ceremony, should emulate the Hindus and throw rice.

Carrying the bride over the threshold began as a way to protect the bride from evil spirits. It is a tradition that the groom carries his bride over the threshold of their new home; this symbolises entering into a new life together. It was also seen as an act of protection and love. The groom carries the bride over the threshold, as a symbolic gesture of being strong. Moreover, by carrying his wife over the threshold, the groom is showing his appreciation for her, his acceptance of her as his wife, and taking responsibility for the bride.

Jumping the broomstick

The "Jumping the Broom" is a common law ceremony in which the bride and groom signify their entrance into a new life and their creation of a new family by "sweeping away" their former single lives, former problems and concerns and jumping over the broom to enter upon a new adventure as wife and husband.

It represents strength, love, togetherness, loyalty, and respect which is essential for a successful marriage. There is unlikely to be any legal record of the marriage.

Interestingly although marriage was considered morally essential during the Victorian era what we today call common law marriage existed. It is known that seven per cent of Victorians never legally married but they lived together and represented themselves as a married couple. Some five per cent or more jumped the broomstick, mainly from the itinerant communities.

The runaway couple

Many marriages took place miles away from home. Some 5,000 marriages of English people took place in Scottish Toll bar villages each year such as Gretna Green, Coldstream, Lamberton and Mordington. These marriages were perfectly legal as they married under Scottish matrimonial laws.

There may have been questions raised because of the consanguinity rules, and many ecclesiastical cases before 1857 and early divorces relate to relationship situations because relatives had married affecting marriage validity.

This article was contributed by Ian Waller from Family History Federation.

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